Things that you don't say to a new mother

Let me just clear a few things up for those of you who either don't have children or haven't had them in a really long time.

Here are some things that are acceptable to say to the mother of a six-week old baby who has been crying all day:

"You look great!"
"Oh, your baby is darling."
"I'd love to clean your house for you/run some dinner over for you and your husband/pick up a few things at the grocery store for you/have you over for coffee so you can get out of the house."
"Don't worry. He'll sleep better as he gets older."
"Here's your large Oreo cookie milkshake with whipped cream on top."

Here are things that are, in the words of my lovely friend Loretta, Not Acceptable, to ever say to the mother of a six-week old baby who has been crying all day, especially if said mother wrangled said infant into her car at 8 p.m. after listening to him cry:

"Wow, he's so tiny. He must be brand new. Is he supposed to be so small?" (Or substitute "big" for babies who are a little more weighty)
"Wow, that's some set of lungs on that baby. Listen to him cry! He's so loud. He must be very very upset."
"Are you sure you should be taking him out when he's so little?"
"Have you tried changing him/feeding him/changing his clothes/giving him a pacifier/driving him around in the car?" (the implication being that wow, I never thought of doing those things! you're a genius! Maybe he's wet or hungry!)
"Ma'am, our ice cream machine is broken, and we don't have any milkshakes or ice cream tonight."

Can you imagine what I heard TWICE last night after dragging myself through TWO different drive-through fast food joints last night, all in pursuit of the apparently rare and elusive Oreo cookie milkshake?

And yes, I, too, began to cry in the McDonald's drive-through lane after Victor apologized for not having any ice cream. I knew that I lived in a town where the lone grocery store tends to run out of meat and where the KFC regularly runs out of chicken--and no, I am not exaggerating--and now I also live in a town where some mass convergence of evil caused all the fast food places to run out of ice cream at the same time, thereby preventing me from having the treat that I so desired.

Man, and William thinks that he has stuff to cry over.