I turned in my column last night for the paper, my little rumination on Mother's Day, motherhood, and what it's like to become a mom. It still seems a little surreal to me, not only writing about being a mom but actually being one!
What's interesting to me, I've discovered but didn't write in the column, is that older women tend to wax eloquently and nostalgically about how great it is to have children and how I should cherish every moment, etc. etc. Younger moms usually look at me sympathetically and say things like, "It gets better, I promise" and "They really do start sleeping better soon." I guess it's easy to forget that the first months of motherhood are sort of like bootcamp (but with nursing bras instead of camouflage fatigues) when your kids are grown. Luckily for me, Mom and Diane (my mama-in-law) both remember what it was really like to have babies, and they're being incredibly supportive (thanks, y'all). I guess David and I and our brothers are walking, talking proof that babies do eventually grow up. I'm definitely not ready for William to grow up yet. There really is so much to look forward to. For example, I can hardly wait until he starts to smile. Or wants to play peekaboo. But as I've written before, oh, to have more sleep!
In fact, that's what I should be doing right now! William, bless his tired little heart, is snoozing away in the Pack n Play, after accompanying me on a series of errands today. We're both pretty exhausted, I think. It takes three times as long to do anything with an infant along--I have to fit in nursing and diaper change breaks--and that makes me tired, but I'm sure that any extended outing is exhausting to a nearly three-week-old infant. On the upside, at least I got my errands done. I got a few new items of clothing for the old post-partum bod, picked up a couple of things for William, got some info and prices from the portrait studio at Sears, and bought chocolates for David. Not bad for a newbie mom and baby son on their first journey out of Twentynine Palms together without Daddy.
I have to admit that I did start to cry in the Sears parking lot. It was near the end of the day, I was so tired, and William had been crying for at least 15 minutes and nothing was calming him down. I had fed him, changed him, given him his binky. He was even in his carseat, which is usually the closest thing we have to an ace. But he must have just been hot and tired, just like I was. A very nice older woman pulled into the parking spot next to me as I was collapsing the stroller to put back in the trunk. She said something bland and kind about it being hard to maneuver with so much stuff with a baby, and tears started to well up in my eyes. She asked me if I was okay, and I began to cry. "Yes," I managed to get out. "Are you sure?" she asked. "Yes, I'm just tired," I said. "Are you sure you're okay to drive?" she asked. "Yes, I'll be fine," I said. And I got in the driver's seat, cranked the AC to make sure William was getting some cool air, and sobbed for a few minutes. Am I a mess or what? I'm so lucky in so many ways, having a healthy baby son. But when I'm tired, it just seems to make me lose all perspective for a little while. Eventually I calmed down, and we drove home, uneventfully. We came home to David, who was glad to see us both. We were pretty glad to see him, too. David changed William's diaper, I fed him, and he went down for a nap. I got a lovely hot shower and dinner. David's ensconced in front of the TV, watching the latest episode of "Dr. Who." It's just a nice quiet Friday night, with our little family. I guess (cue the music) there really is no place like home.
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