The AARP wants you! Or, me, apparently.

When I was pregnant with William, I was amused to think about the fact that some medical-type folks might have considered me of "advanced maternal age," given that I was--gasp!--over 30. I mean, the horror that a woman might wait to have a baby until she's gotten married, gotten a couple of degrees and had a chance to work and gain useful professional experience.

But anyway. I was one of the first people in my circle of friends from college to have a baby, so I didn't think I was exactly knocking on the nursing home door yet. Sure, I have since encountered lots of young mothers up here in the Stumps who are a decade (or more!) my junior, but again, it didn't bother me that much.

Well, as it turns out, I guess I was of a much more advanced maternal age than even the medical community thought I was! Because today a letter and membership card from the AARP arrived in my mailbox today.

Did you get that? The AARP. The organization formerly known as the American Association for Retired Persons. A letter. From the AARP. Addressed to yours truly. And a membership card with a unique membership code number.

"Dear Ms. Jennifer Larson," the letter begins with a chirp. "Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are fully eligible." (Italics mine.)

Wow! They're really cruising hard for new members, aren't they? I mean, last I checked, retirement wasn't really on the horizon for most 32-year-olds, but what do I know? Maybe they figure that since I am no longer working at the newspaper, I'm retired! And hey, maybe I am! I'm retired and changing diapers and picking up Cheerios off the floor and singing "The Wheels on the Bus" and reading "The Runaway Bunny." Whee, this is the life! Where's my mai tai, my golf cart and my early bird dinner schedule?

Of course, when I eventually go back to a newspaper (or other place of employment), that will make them look silly. Sort of how the New York Yankees looked sort of silly after they gave Roger Clemens a huge sendoff (and a big obnoxious Hummer) in 2003, only to see him come out of retirement to pitch for the Houston Astros for the next three years.

Another paragraph in the letter states, "As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50." So what good will that do me now? I won't be 50 for another 18 years. Do I just get a bunch of resources that I have to sit on until I turn the big 5-0? What good is that? It's like buying a fancy new car and showing it to your preschooler and saying, "Hey, kid, one day this will all be yours!"

The AARP. Holy geez. And I thought I had a moment of crisis last spring when I got a free subscription offer from Ladies' Home Journal. I'm still not ready to throw in the proverbial towel and buy a minivan yet. I think the AARP can cool off and wait a few more years for me. Let me get William off to college first.