"I'm a mommy"

Remember how much I agonized over not going back to work last summer? Remember how much I worried about what it would do to my career, to my identity, blah blah blah? How in the past, I've always said things like it's good for a mother to have a career because she's a good role model for her children, and how in the past, I used to say that I couldn't imagine staying at home with a child?

And lo and behold, I've stayed home with William for over a year now. I don't think he has a negative view of my career goals just yet, though, so I think we're good on that front for the time being. :)

But the other night, I attended Mom's book club meeting with her, and one of the women there asked me what I do. I appreciated the irony for a moment or two, and then laughed and said, "I'm a mommy." But y'all know me. Five seconds later, I couldn't help adding, "But I used to be a newspaper reporter."

The woman (a few years older than my mother, I think) said something to the effect of how being a mother is a very important job. Which it is, absolutely. And now that I think about it, it's kind of nice that someone did ask me what I did first, not assume that I didn't do anything (well, anything official that comes with a paycheck and a 401(k) eligibility). Of course, then the woman asked what my husband did, and I sighed and said, "He's a pediatrician." Because even though I made peace a long time ago that I would be a stay-at-home mom this year and be financially dependent on my husband, when you say it out loud, it does still sound a little bit strange. At least, it sounds strage, based on the Past Me.

And you know what? I still feel some of the conflict internally. Alethea and her friend Caroline and I recently had an email conversation about this whole topic. If you work full-time, you miss your child and wonder if having him or her in day care is the best situation and you can't do things together with your child like swim lessons or weekday playgroups. If you stay home, you worry about saving for your child's college and your own retirement and financially bolstering the family and providing insurance, should anything happen to your spouse. And that doesn't even get into things like personal goals and interests. So what's the best situation? What can you live with? What risks can you take or should you take? Gah. If you really stop to think about it all, it's crazy-making. And if for some reason, you're totally completely at peace with your situation, well, there's a whole raft of books out there on both sides of the fence that are guaranteed to induce some guilt in you even then! It's a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't."

I guess that David and I will just have to make the decision that is best for our family. That's what we've done up 'til now, and so far, it's worked out pretty well. It's not always easy to know what the right decision is, so we're just trying to do the best that we can.