Risking your life to bring home a toy

Breaking news: A man in Tampa, Florida, apparently threatened another man's life in a Target store this past week. Why? Because the second man had just snagged the last Tickle Me Elmo Extreme doll off the shelf, and the first man was just that desperate to get one of them, too. There was a scuffle, and someone had to call 911. And there are still three more months until Christmas!

Did you get that? A grown man threatened another grown man because he didn't get a Tickle Me Elmo toy. The death threat would have made a lot more sense to me if say, the second man had tied up the first man and forced him to listen to TME's ear-splitting, sinus-shredding laughter. But no. The criminal-in-the-making tried to harm someone because the other man beat him to the shelf where the dolls were (all too briefly) stocked for sale. He could have cursed at him, yelled at him, tackled him, all sorts of possibilities. But he threatened the other man's life because he didn't get a red toy with an electronic laugh that could wake the dead!

This is the ten-year anniversary of the release of the sinister fuzzy red toy. So the current incarnation is an "Extreme" version that actually flings itself about in a sick mockery of the Hokey Pokey, all the while laughing and laughing and laughing. And some parents are so eager to take this thing home with them that they'll do just about anything? Geez. I would think it would be the other way around: parents should be threatening anyone who brings such a toy into their homes and lives.

So I'll issue this plea right now. Please, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, please do not risk your life and limb for an Elmo toy. At least not for us. If you know other people who have an affinity for the little demon, then by all means, go right ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you. We are going to keep our house as Elmo-free as possible for as long as possible. I already have to skip the songs that feature Elmo on our Sesame Street CDs to preserve what's left of my sanity. David and I are crazy enough without Elmo in our house.

Apparently, the desperate toy-grab is a rite of passage for all parents. I remember how, when I was little, Mom had to fight the crowds to buy Strawberry Shortcake dolls for me. She says she remembers just closing her eyes and thrusting her arm into the midst of a crowd of eager parents and grabbing the first box that she could reach and hoping for the best. Other parents did the same grab-and-hope maneuver when it came to Cabbage Patch Kids, maybe a year or so later. I'm sure that David's mom has some similar tales. I know that my own day is coming, for some toy that William will dream about and talk about and hope for.

But right now, almost all toys are pretty fun for William. He wouldn't know Tickle Me Elmo from a hole in the ground. No pressure on us to procure one without risking our lives, and no pressure to actually have to live with one in the house. Thank God. I think if we had one, I'd have to lock my bedroom door at night to guard against the possibility that the thing would rise up in the middle of the night and invade our room, in an attempt to kill us with his lethal "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

See how happy William is with his own toys anyway?